VOTE FOR ATE CHAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pangky is a manipulative bitch who is taking advantage of ate Chai's mood swings to make her look bad.

ate chai is a perfectionist. But then everybody has their good and bad sides. Just because someone's on tv, it doesn't mean they start with a clean slate and become as innocent as babies (yet as talented as starlets... go figure). So ate chai has mood swings... pangky's a backstabbing whiner. What else is new? It's showbiz. What I'm afraid of is that ate Chai's reputation might go downhill once she goes out just because a snake in pig's clothing decided to be manipulative.

I am laughing. Letting the wind take my laughter. Magnify it if the wind must, make use of it in whatever way, for my laughter is a scarce commodity. It is scarce when I am at ease. Easy to grasp when I am at a loss of anything logical to hold onto. My laughter abounds. It overflows out of my lips, out of my eyes, out of my nose. It is like a waterfall flowing out into a river, out into nothingness. But why is the laughter outpouring when the nothingness is inside? The laughter flirts with the founts of weariness and boredom that my laughter masks sobs every now and then. My laughter is not a pure laughter that emanates from a joyous soul. My laughter is raw and tear stained, from the core of my wounded soul. Call me lalaith. For in elven it means laughter.

I feel like I'm in a standstill
There's a large chunk of my memory that i seem to have misplaced. the tissues around the ripped brain cells that nestled this memory are flapping in the wind. I feel cheated. I feel sad. But how can I mourn for something when I can't remember what it was? I am lost. I am walking under the rain, seeking a fallen fleck of inspiration yet I end up emptyhanded. This loss is acidic. It has burned a hole in my chest. The gaing wound is a mouth, asking me questions. Who am I? I am Maryam Fatima Chawdhury, that I am still. I am still Fate', ate Fate'; I have also become an Ara. I'm a poet (or so I think), a singer (with the voice of a screaming banshee), a writer (I was ever since I learned how to write), an actress (a frustrated one), I dance (though unsuccesfully), I draw (yet it seems I may have forgotten how to); I love a lot of things, I love a lot of people, yet it seems my heart may have hardened a little. My patience to share myself has gone out the window, my ned to seek others out is waning. Yet I am afraid I'm alienating myself too much. I am losing sense. Losing coherence.

(post on a Philippine Dream Academy Forum by me. Never thought I'd see the day.)
Karon ra ko nakatigo'g sulod sulod ug forums tungod ni ate Chai.

Makig-away pa kog forums tungod niya...mao ni lisod sa sikat nga friend, daghay moclaim nga professional Chai analyst. Anha lang ko makatanaw niya sa abs cbn kay lapas man sa oras sa akong curfew sa boarding house. Tagsa, kutob ra manan-aw ang pipol sa bhaus ug crazy for you. Then patyon na dayon ang tv. Unfair kaayo.

Chai is an all-out performer. She never wants to make people feel bad. If she can, she'll just hide her own depression and make it a point to make others feel good. No wonder she has a lot of friends. She's always ready to drink with you if you have no one to talk to, even if others' ears bleed from your problems. She's very down to earth. When I first met her, I had no idea she could play the guitar, could dance, could act... etc. she's trully open minded. and she never forgets a birthday.

On her talents, amazing voice (that we all know), she is a VERY VERY talented theatre actress. She writes damn good poetry and she dances pretty good! But like her image, she is FAR from mainstream. prolly why few people appreciate her. this earth child rocks. I still can't believe she's this famous now, but she was destined for great things.

When I suddenly muster enough courage to sms him, i find out he lost his phone just hours before i sent the message. When we meet on the street, he has a frown on his face. It's as if he's irritated by my presence. But then that's prolly just my vanity talking, I'm not important enough to be anyone's irritant. I'm hurt and i'm tired and i'm lonely. i dunno if i'm falling out of love, i'm angry, or I'm just PMSing.

Honestly, I'm too sick and bored to tell.

I was worried about the pattern of red on my article but when our teacher showed me my corrected work, it was spotless!! Not a speck of red anywhere! She suggested adding a thing or two about enforcement, and there was the matter of my article being unfinished, but that was all. No corrections. Whew. Anyway, the red stuff was still meant to show up somewhere. I found out in the bathroom later. Menstruation arrived. Bummer.

I can't direct. I can only help with this and that but I am not a Movement type of person. I suck.

We had an open forum yesterday about journalist killings. The panelists were all members of the KBP (Kapisanan ng mga Brodkaster ng Pilipinas), Cebu chapter. It was a very confusing forum. From the very beginning of the event, they kept on stressing that though the Philippines is only second highest on statistics when it comes to the number of Journalist Killings, MOST OF THESE DEATHS WEREN'T JOB RELATED. In simple english, most of the murdered journalists died not becuse they were journalists. Therefore, killing is a general problem and not secluded to the media community. Then why call it journalist killing in the first place? And when a student asked if the journalist killings were related to the political killings, one of the panelists said there was NO connection.

The topic, being vague to begin with, made a lot of students ask out-of-topic, if not, irrelevant questions. One of the panelists, when questioned about the business portion of the media, stood up and said we didn't have any idea because we were just students. He also brought up the issue of Upians always being ready to rally at the sign of very little tuition increases, and us being insenstive to the needs of our school! One of his biggest mistakes was making airconditioning an example.

How dare he bring up issues he wasn't fully aware of? We have no idea? Well we're supposed to! Isn't that why we go to school? How dare he talk about activism that way? And he calls himself a media practitioner. Doesn't he know he's supposed to have both sides of an issue before he even speaks about it? He is obviously very biased and very misinformed. Airconditioning! Hah! What a joke. So what if our conference hall is airconditioned? The airconditioning is only available when BIG people visit school. Other schools have ALL their rooms on air conditioning! Some of our classrooms even have faulty electric fans! Tsk tsk tsk.

No wonder cebu has the least number of Political Killings in the country. Our media people are so biased.

i have a splitting headache... i need my glasses... whoever stole them is gonna pay>.<

it sucks to be sick

mood swings are bad news...

this morning, I was able to submit a decent article for journ and come up with topics for myself and my classmates!!! the news writer's block has been lifted!!! Now all I need is sufficient information and I will be able to write about anything from your grandma to nuclear physics (both impossible.. just exagerrating). And I was thinking, i'd never become a newspaper journalist ever. If I do make this my primary source of income, I'd have to write nonstop while I'm in the mood, so that I'd be able to feed myself when I'm not in the mood to write anymore.

I was so happy. I was also peniless. Thank God for friends who treat you to lunch and friends who lend you moolah.

I also saw my beloved, who seemingly came from another planet... I asked him if his classmate was in the room he just left. He said I found the wrong block. Several people later, the person I was looking for came out. I'm wondering if he deliberately put me off so that I'd look stupid or if he was turning deaf. Or maybe he was just thinking of other things to bothe helping someone out.

My mood was turning sour by the hour.

Margie Holmes, sex guru extraordinaire and my childhood object of desire.. err.. fandom (kidding!) was in the conference hall for an open forum about teen sexuality. She discussed topics from sexual harassment (why a lot of children tend to be abused); to religion (a dominican once said, 99% of boys masturbate; the 1% lie). SHE ROCKS!!! Somewhere in the middle of her introduction, she asked if she could take of her shoes since she was done "impressing" us with her attire. She's cool...

You'd think I'd be in fangirl heaven after that now wouldn't you? WRONG ANSWER, YOU LOSE A TURN. hehehe... I suddenly felt really pissed, with kuya Epot in particular. I didn't want him near me, I felt as if he was the most repulsive person alive. No reason. Very irrational. But my head was aching. My head was buzzing. I half-slept through the Ykonek meeting later.After that, i did some quality time alone. I miss being alone. I miss being appropriately lonely. I can be in a crowd but never notice the people around me. I can be with my so-called friends yet i feel as if I'm not really there. I feel lonelier with a room full of people than with just one person.

Am I a dork or what? The people I want to get close to don't care about me, and I don't care about the people who want to get close to me.

I miss practicing with the band, but I don't have any choice. I have the lit3 play to worry about; Journ articles to work on; Organizations to do errands for; and my sanity to keep.

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious.Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

i'm a dawg :D

I've been watching the video of Evanescence's new song, Call me When You're Sober for the past hour again and again.
I know that in a few weeks, this video's going to be on everybody's friendster accounts, on every television, etc etc, but just for the record, i'd like to state why I love it (before everyone loves it):

the whole deviation of the faiytale holds a certain appeal. it's so me. (so the statement is devoid of any intellectual flavor whatsoever, I'm sorry but I don't think i have to explain myself. If you knew me, you'd understand.)

my guilty pleasure: watching evanescence videos, listening to evanescence music...

False alarm. He doesn't know we were old and wrinkly.

Intrams ended. Not that I missed it. It was pretty boring to me, cept for the first day. Intrams is like a person who invites you to a party just because you're classmates. You aren't interested and the host can't find a way to entertain you cause you don't share the same interests. I hate those sort of parties. Back to grueling school work.

the jig is up...

i think

no wonder he's been looking at me and smiling a lot at me these days...it's not the "i-like-you-too" smile...it's the "i-know-your-secret" smile!!!!


!@#$%^&*(*&^%@#$^&@%33^&$(&)(*&%^#$@##!@&^%$#$%^&#%%#$^&^$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~

in less horrible news, the script for lit3 is done... all it needs is approval.. i'm not posting it online for fear that there may be spies *looks left and right* reading my blogs... I'll post the script on my devart account a day before the play date...

we won the cheerdance competition :D
all those nights of bruises, dirty practice clothes, kabags, dizzy spells from all that spinning, etc etc, were worth it.

and i thought i couldn't dance... but we saw the video and i could not believe my eyes... I CAN DANCE (i didn't say i was good..)
I'm so glad I didn't blow it, i didn't make any obvious mistakes, and i didn't look bad...It was a good performance...

but it was the staring contest afterwards that got to me. The Management Team came next to us. I'm officially openly fangirling. My beloved can dance!!! But the idea of him not being able to dance would have been cute... Poor him, having to repeat carrying heavy girls on his shoulders because the sound guy sabotaged their CD. When their music started going haywire, nobody would've believed it did, since they were all still jogging. But then they started panicking and the error became obvious. When ms. Empleo (PE teacher and one of the coordinators) passed by, we asked her what went wrong. She said the CD had a hole in it. Not the hole found in the center of every CD. A real hole, somewhere on the CD. Sabotage. Obvious sabotage. I didn't know anybody could be so dirty. I have a hunch on who it could've been but i don't want to point fingers. And according to a source I shall not name here, the sound guy gouged a spot from the CD!!!! Who could've paid him?!?

so sad they had to go 3 times before finally getting it right... I'll bet he was exhausted. But they were second! I think the judges were impressed by their determination to continue, no matter what went wrong.



staring contest. flirty little devil. ^___^

i had a dream about him again. It was the type of dream that seemed so real you'd cry expletives when you wake up from it. then i remembered cheerdance today, and i had overslept.
happy happy happy :)

awwww...
before the blog wars could even begin, the other party came up to me and explained that the comments seemed to point to our situation but he was referring to other people...

too bad...

stupid prick >> http://reyconui.blogs.friendster.com/hiim_rey/2006/09/so_many_reasons.html

the owner of this blog was another volunteer as a guide for the students from Toyo Univeristy. He offered to teach them basic bisaya while we were wating for the bus to arrive. He was teaching them useless phases ike "gwapo ko" "gwapa ka" (i'm handsome, you're beautiful), So I told him to teach them useful phrases like "tag pila ni?"(how much is this?). He was obviously offended. But i didn't know it was this bad. Well, tough luck. He wants a blog war? He'll get one.

sometimes there are just too many what ifs...
love is illogical, irrelevant, yet why do many people pursue it?

I miss him. i miss talking to him. I miss his smile. I miss the way he laughs. I miss seeing his chipped tooth. I miss hearing one of his smart aleck remarks straight from him and not just from a common friend. I miss the way his face turns blank when he's embarrassed. I miss panicking over how to act when i'm with him and ending up just acting the way i usually do. I miss finding how beautiful the day is when he's around. i miss rhyming everything that just happened with him that made me smile. I miss catching that secret smile of his that reminds me of a mad scientist who just hatched another one of his diabolical schemes. I miss being the president of his fan club (LOL).

but he's become too far away. And he will continue to drift farther away. And next year, it's going to be bye bye.