This morning, I woke up from a bad dream of Luke throwing his drink at me and going "You're nothing, but a second rate, trying hard, PUSSYCAT!!!"
It was D-Day.
I was jittery. I was wondering if Josh had told him yet. My roommate sent her best from over the bathroom. Sarah was with me the whole morning at the undergrad ladies room (the one with a big table to sit on). I couldn't wait any longer for Josh, so I texted Luke. I asked him if he was going to school, and that I needed to talk to him. He replied that he was on the way. I cringed my time away. Sarah told me it was time to face my fears.
I do not fear the dark. I do not fear bugs, or spiders. I do not fear death. But i fear people. I fear the people I hold closest to my heart because they have the power to hurt me more than anything else. God I'm so emo.
So I came out of the CR and found myself on the road to Handuraw. I developed a fear for the phone's vibration that only activates when it's Luke's name in the inbox, so i handed my phone over to Sarah. I was panicking the whole time. When we got there, I headed straight for the comfort room. When I came out, Sarah asked me if I wanted her to tell Luke it was time to talk. She was getting impatient. I told her to let him finish his game. Who was I to come between Luke and his beloved Dota? When he came, all I was able to say was everything else except for the most important part. I apologized for embarassing him, and I told him to go back to his game. Back in school, I was feeling like the biggest loser alive. After accomplishing all my papers, I went to the Latagaw tambayan for take two on the confession. Luke came and he asked if I was ready to make sense now (i didn't make any sense back in Handuraw). I said I was. So I said it. I don't remember what it was I said exactly, but I know I said the 3 words. Then I looked at him and said he could resume with his life. bye bye. He looked at me like I was some sort of freak. He walked away.
I feel so relieved.
I'm prepared for the consequences. Him ignoring me for the rest of the academic year doesn't feel so bad anymore since that has been what he's been doing so far anyway. I don't think I lost a friend because we weren't proper friends in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be. No need to dwell on it. As soon as I'm over him, the better. Like with what happened with Marvin, I can say it was good while it lasted. The best I can do is pat myself on the back for not making a fool of myself by crying and stuff and being able to express what I felt in words, in front of him, and clearly.
So what if he doesn't love me back? A lot of people do!
I want to swim in an ocean of stars
where sore-cleansing ambrosia flows free
and the wind whispers sweet promises
and the mossy forests are fragrant
of the flowers that therein reside
I want to sleep in moonshadow
I want to know where dreams go
when they're abandoned, when they die
I want to hold them tight
Comfort them in a way only I can
Only I know how
Because only I understand
It was D-Day.
I was jittery. I was wondering if Josh had told him yet. My roommate sent her best from over the bathroom. Sarah was with me the whole morning at the undergrad ladies room (the one with a big table to sit on). I couldn't wait any longer for Josh, so I texted Luke. I asked him if he was going to school, and that I needed to talk to him. He replied that he was on the way. I cringed my time away. Sarah told me it was time to face my fears.
I do not fear the dark. I do not fear bugs, or spiders. I do not fear death. But i fear people. I fear the people I hold closest to my heart because they have the power to hurt me more than anything else. God I'm so emo.
So I came out of the CR and found myself on the road to Handuraw. I developed a fear for the phone's vibration that only activates when it's Luke's name in the inbox, so i handed my phone over to Sarah. I was panicking the whole time. When we got there, I headed straight for the comfort room. When I came out, Sarah asked me if I wanted her to tell Luke it was time to talk. She was getting impatient. I told her to let him finish his game. Who was I to come between Luke and his beloved Dota? When he came, all I was able to say was everything else except for the most important part. I apologized for embarassing him, and I told him to go back to his game. Back in school, I was feeling like the biggest loser alive. After accomplishing all my papers, I went to the Latagaw tambayan for take two on the confession. Luke came and he asked if I was ready to make sense now (i didn't make any sense back in Handuraw). I said I was. So I said it. I don't remember what it was I said exactly, but I know I said the 3 words. Then I looked at him and said he could resume with his life. bye bye. He looked at me like I was some sort of freak. He walked away.
I feel so relieved.
I'm prepared for the consequences. Him ignoring me for the rest of the academic year doesn't feel so bad anymore since that has been what he's been doing so far anyway. I don't think I lost a friend because we weren't proper friends in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be. No need to dwell on it. As soon as I'm over him, the better. Like with what happened with Marvin, I can say it was good while it lasted. The best I can do is pat myself on the back for not making a fool of myself by crying and stuff and being able to express what I felt in words, in front of him, and clearly.
So what if he doesn't love me back? A lot of people do!
I want to swim in an ocean of stars
where sore-cleansing ambrosia flows free
and the wind whispers sweet promises
and the mossy forests are fragrant
of the flowers that therein reside
I want to sleep in moonshadow
I want to know where dreams go
when they're abandoned, when they die
I want to hold them tight
Comfort them in a way only I can
Only I know how
Because only I understand
posted by Ara | 9:43 p. m.
|
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