May your grace transcend your mortality
And may you dance among the stars
Though death challenged your frailty
You shall forever be in our hearts

In life you served as a reminder
That life in itself is a celebration
In death may you never waiver
May you remind us of your passion

For April Mae "Pring" Sumaylo, who died yesterday, in a car accident. She will be remembered as a graceful dancer (she inspired me to take ballroom lessons), as one who took things in stride, as one who, like her character, Dawn, made light to seemingly hopeless situations, as a cheerful classmate and helpful friend. She shall be missed.

The highest score I gave out of 1-10 (10 as the highest) today was a 5. And I was being generous.



Are theatre people really all just plain gay?

Sadness.

We're extending the auditions until Friday. Only 4 auditioned today.

Pregenesis is going to be medium scaled for now. We're just going to invite schools instead of the whole Cebu. Oh well. A big-scale production is as of the moment, too ambitious.

We went through all the details. We're eyeing Bien to understudy for Sun, and ate Chloe suggested I'd be the understudy for Luna since I did base the characterization on myself.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

fREAKEH.

Call me idealistic but I don't want my first kiss to be on stage. How am I going to be a succesful stage performer if I'm sensitive about something that shouldn't even BE an issue? All I have to do is detatch myself. Think of it as nothing but acting. It's just a little flesh. It's just a little tongue. What am i whining about?

GEEZ. This is so wrong

Dionne had a boyfriend who looked capable enough to shred Khing to pieces. But she went on with it. If I, ms.understudy, in the occasion of something bad happening to Dionne (knock on wood) give the audience a stage kiss while Dionne was ready to give them the real thing, what kind of show would that be? I don't have anyone who'd rip Khing or Bien to shreds (Cept uncle Boyet, my mom's uber conservative brother). It would be more likely that MY life would be in danger with the said scene. T_T Should i limit myself? I know I will eventually feel blase' about it. If only it isn't going to be my first kiss.

Shiet. nganong nagchula pa man gud si Dionne ug si Khing? This is called Karma.

I need to talk to my classmates.

~~~

Discovered a new band today-MUSE... They're amazing... they're NOT EMO!!!! They're the kind of rock this world needs... progressive...
They don't stagnate. Their songs vary in mood. Micro cuts is different from stockholm syndrome.

But Unintended is totally different. It's sublime. They seldom make songs that way anymore. It's the ideal serenade song. Unfortunately they seldom make guys that way anymore either. The first and last time I was serenaded, the guy sang "Can You be my Girlfriend" by Justin Timberlake. Blech.

It's been a while since I last posted. Again.
The moving on process is going quite well. I've been very busy with studies, since my subjects have suddenly become interesting...

We have a gig for the ASEAN summit at the 14th. we'll probably be playing another composition that we have YET to polish...
The bassist, Bang, joined a beauty contest. I dunno if she won yet, but I do know that she won Ms. Talent by playing "Bizarre love Triangle" (rock version) with the guitarist, ate Chloe and ate Al.

This morning, I woke up from a bad dream of Luke throwing his drink at me and going "You're nothing, but a second rate, trying hard, PUSSYCAT!!!"

It was D-Day.

I was jittery. I was wondering if Josh had told him yet. My roommate sent her best from over the bathroom. Sarah was with me the whole morning at the undergrad ladies room (the one with a big table to sit on). I couldn't wait any longer for Josh, so I texted Luke. I asked him if he was going to school, and that I needed to talk to him. He replied that he was on the way. I cringed my time away. Sarah told me it was time to face my fears.

I do not fear the dark. I do not fear bugs, or spiders. I do not fear death. But i fear people. I fear the people I hold closest to my heart because they have the power to hurt me more than anything else. God I'm so emo.

So I came out of the CR and found myself on the road to Handuraw. I developed a fear for the phone's vibration that only activates when it's Luke's name in the inbox, so i handed my phone over to Sarah. I was panicking the whole time. When we got there, I headed straight for the comfort room. When I came out, Sarah asked me if I wanted her to tell Luke it was time to talk. She was getting impatient. I told her to let him finish his game. Who was I to come between Luke and his beloved Dota? When he came, all I was able to say was everything else except for the most important part. I apologized for embarassing him, and I told him to go back to his game. Back in school, I was feeling like the biggest loser alive. After accomplishing all my papers, I went to the Latagaw tambayan for take two on the confession. Luke came and he asked if I was ready to make sense now (i didn't make any sense back in Handuraw). I said I was. So I said it. I don't remember what it was I said exactly, but I know I said the 3 words. Then I looked at him and said he could resume with his life. bye bye. He looked at me like I was some sort of freak. He walked away.

I feel so relieved.

I'm prepared for the consequences. Him ignoring me for the rest of the academic year doesn't feel so bad anymore since that has been what he's been doing so far anyway. I don't think I lost a friend because we weren't proper friends in the first place. It just wasn't meant to be. No need to dwell on it. As soon as I'm over him, the better. Like with what happened with Marvin, I can say it was good while it lasted. The best I can do is pat myself on the back for not making a fool of myself by crying and stuff and being able to express what I felt in words, in front of him, and clearly.

So what if he doesn't love me back? A lot of people do!



I want to swim in an ocean of stars
where sore-cleansing ambrosia flows free
and the wind whispers sweet promises
and the mossy forests are fragrant
of the flowers that therein reside
I want to sleep in moonshadow
I want to know where dreams go
when they're abandoned, when they die
I want to hold them tight
Comfort them in a way only I can
Only I know how
Because only I understand

It's been a while since I last posted here...
Sem Break is coming to an end. It was a very short sembreak, yet an eventful one nevertheless.

> I almost killed myself. Again.

why?

> My mom and I had a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg fight about my beliefs.

but...

> Cardcaptor Sakura saved me (lol. A friend who found out called me and made me promise I'd try to divert my attention. I went on You tube and got sucked into Shaoran and Sakura's love story. I just finished all the episodes and the succeeding movie last night)

in other news, yet somehow related...

> I've abandoned poetry for digital art. I still suck, but it reveals less and it leaves little to speculate about.

and...

> I realized Naval is a great place to visit, but not one to live in. Unless you live for small-town gossip and intrigue.

i was chatting with Mark last night... it turned weird when he started asking about me and Luke. I was confused for the most part by his questions. Where was he going to? What was he talking about? How could I stick to Luke? I wasn't sticking to Luke by choice. We aren't together. What's with the questions? He said he was curious about this side of Luke that i seemed privy to. Wha?

I found out later that he sent me a friendster testimonial:

It's fascinating how leaves just stick to cars after it rains. You could almost imagine the leaves loving the car while the metal thing is indifferent to the affection.

Lol... the issue was my martyrdom. So what if I be the martyr? Isn't that a risk you'd have to take when you love? The risk of being not loved in return? Since I'm in the feeling, why not make use of it? Why not use it as inspiration for art or poetry or prose? I'd never let him read the poems anyway. They're not for him. They're for me and my expression. If I hadn't made use of the feeling, Dama de Noche wouldn't have existed. My deviantart account (which paved the way for amazing friendships) wouldn't have existed. Pregenesis wouldn't have existed.

Love drives me more than hate can. Love drives me to hate. Love drives me to tears. Love drives me to regret, to anguish, to hurt. Is this a fault I must correct? I do not want to be pitied for fighting for something pointless. That's the point. The fight will inspire others to fight for pointless things. If I don't get a happy ending maybe someone else will. Mark may not understand this, nobody may understand this, but like almost everything else in my life, as long as I am content with this and I don't feel wrong about it, I don't care if nobody gives a fuck.

and now to find a guitar to write the theme song for Pregenesis

I didn't get the CDs. I guess Sam was busy.

I was excited to get home. Finally, free internet and free food (that's all I ever waste my money on anyway)!!! Though my brother seems to have erased all my music. No prob. That just means I'll have to download them all again...

I can hog Isidore all i want with the excuse that I need to submit a net article.

Mmmm... I can smell mom's cooking from where I'm sitting. I missed this.

Notes on the boat the other night:

So many familiar faces... faces who never knew me

If death were a tunnel, mine would be inky

the ferry boat is the tunnel between this life and that one.

puera bisita puera bisita puera bisita

if you want to come with me, you'll have to pay the fare..

the scent of efficacent oil on a boat and rosary beads is mommy
the humming of the boat's engine, the scent of the engine and the salt, and the oil, and the engine still.

I still think of the play; I still think of how it could be improved; I still think of french kisses and half-closed eyes; i still think of Khing.
And then I think of deep set eyes that bore into your soul and then I think of Luke. And then I think of him not even watching the play and then I think of the nights I spent trying to perfect the script with his satisfaction in mind. then I go back to thinking of Khing and how his eyes admired me as he smiled before the play.

Heno and I gave Sam a belated birthday gift- a Blue Magic pig we named "Shera". We wrote a little note in the card using a magic pen. The magic pen had a little light on it that revealed the message. It said:

oink oink oink oink oinky OINK oink oink OEEEEEENK OINK oink

translated: happy birthday!! from heno & ara

we called Sam up and went over to Dimsum, invading her family time with the gift. She received the pig quite sweetly... how nice!!! Shera doesn't turn into porkchop... well, cause she isn't edible... (unless sam is on a special diet that includes polyester) We were all lamenting on the little time we had to spend together. Sam's parents suggested we go to handuraw or something. We all hopped into their car and found ourselves in a karaoke joint in Banilad.

The karaoke joint seemed inspired by Star wars and Cruise ship architecture. It reminded me that by now, I was supposed to be on a ship to Naval. I don't even remember what songs we chose. I ignored my colds and my sore throat for the joy of singing without caring whether I destroyed the song or not... darn... the average score I got was 50. the highest score I got was 62... 77 when I sang with someone else... how embarassing... I didn't get even ONE 100. And anyone who got a hundred got a prize... oh noes...oh well. Luke and Sam have potentially good singing voices. Chin's gone through training and I... am a totally diff story...T_T Shera was blamed for all the technical difficulties we went through while choosing what songs to sing and Sam fiercely defended her piglet :) Awww <3 when we made mistakes chosen songs and nobody knew the lyrics, we tried translating the english lyrics to tagalog. I'm rusty. So rusty Luke knew better than me. Sam expressed her amazement at Luke's lingual prowess by going "You're not my brother!!!" Heno was obviously enjoying the karaoke's extensive collection of savage garden songs. Good thing he didn't find "Always". Luke was trying to find out if the place was sound proof. When he discovered it wasn't, he apologized in a loud voice for the noise. Sam replied we had a right to make noise-we paid for the right :D

After the Tornillas chose what songs we sang were going to be burned into a CD to remind us that the world is imperfect, we went to Gonut's to wait for the album. We children went crazy over the magic pens over the donuts. Then it was time to go home. I receive a copy of the album tomorrow. >.<

I had fun. Sam suggested we must do it again. Lalalala... We must perfect the Bohemian Rhapsody